Oh yes, the Bürgeramt. Remember that? I sure as hell do. By now I'd love to tell you that the story is over... It isn't. But, before we get to the end of the story, I need to bring you up to speed on the "middle" of the story. Let me start with the birds...
Tomorrow? Back to the #Bürgeramt! This time armed with an appointment. #Berlin
— Paul Adams (@therealpadams) August 14, 2014
The Conditions Were Perfect... I think
OK OK... So first I need to admit something. Many, many people had warned me that I should simply make an appointment at the Bürgeramt, rather than just turning up. After my previous two failed attempted, this was starting to make sense. But, you see, my motivation for getting in there asap was simple... I needed the Anmeldebescheinigung because this is the gatekeeper document. Without it you cannot get: bank accounts, health insurance, Internet (important for someone who works form home!) and various other things. Those people, the ones who told me to just make an appointment? They were right.
So... A few weeks pass. I am now well past the theoretical deadline for registration. Oh well. At least I have my appointment.
The skies were blue that morning; not a cloud in sight. The sun was warm, the air was cool and the birds were chirping merrily as I boarded the M13 tram to take the short journey to my local Bürgeramt. When I arrived at the office, my number was already displayed on the screen and I had four minutes to spare before my appointment.
My number is called.
I go in and sit down.
I introduce myself and ask (in my best, polite German, of course) if we may speak English.
We can.
The dream of the Anmeldebescheinigung is slowly becoming reality...
Max Mustermann (The Stereotypical German)
The very nice lady in the Bürgeramt took a look at my documentation and read through it diligently. At least so I thought... Eventually she asks me if I was the home owner and I confirm that I was renting. She asks me, therefore, why did I not complete the name and address of my landlord. Well, the answer is simple, nowhere on the form is this information asked for. Apparently this information's to go into the one box I've left empty. The box which had no label telling me what information I was supposed to provide in there. How was I supposed to know this?
"Did you not read the supporting documentation that tells you how to fill in the form?"
At the time, possibly the most German thing I had ever heard.
She placed the documentation in my hand and asked me to provide the information. When I pointed out that I had no idea who my landlord was, nor where he lived, I was in trouble. She politely asked me to leave and make another appointment.
Thanks to the ingenuity of a friend of mine, I rolled the dice and pointed out that I was being sent out without the ability to get (legally required) health insurance. She paused for a while and then asked me to simply get her the name. If she were British I would swear by her intonation that she was happy for any name.
So... OK. Pretend that I am looking for a real name and just make up a name. Simple, right?
No.
Imagine my situation: I'm in a ever-so-slightly-higher-than-normal-pressure environment, in a foreign land, I do not know the information being required of me, the clock is ticking and all I have to do is come up with a name. At this point, it is very difficult to come up with something that does not sound very stereotypical and, thus, a piss-take...
Lars Schmidt.
Jens Schmidt.
Helmuth Schmidt (Oh sweet Lord, no).
Anything with "Schmidt".
Max Mustermann!
Let me tell you, when the name Max Mustermann gets stuck in your head when you are trying to make up a German name it is very hard to get it out and it is very hard not to laugh.
Thankfully, while I was pretending to search for my landlord's name, I actually found it. #winning
Epilogue: If We Must Be Formal, Call Me "Mr. Adams"
While I was searching for a (fake) name to provide for my landlord, the nice Bürgeramt lady was filling in all my details onto a computer using my passport. UK passports do not contain titles, only the name. So imagine my surprise when I leave the Bürgeramt, the proud owner of an Anmeldebescheinigung, to discover that I am no-longer "Herr Dr. Adams" but simply "Herr Adams".
Probably need another appointment to get that fixed.
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